Day Zero

well, today is the big day huh. I feel like I am going for a chalet, what with the book, magazines, lappy, chargers and the list goes on. But it does not exactly feel holiday.
I am having multitudes of mixed emotions and I am not sure whether is it only due to the surgery. feelings of confusion, sadness, apprehension, longing, missing, anger and resignation all came knocking on the door this morning. After I got woken up at 1am this morning by phones ringing , was not able to sleep till 4am. Do I hate phones waking me up? Yes I do, especially when the call is not of concern to me and it was not my call to tell the caller off so.. ya..on top of that, I had to fight the urge to hug and be close to you. I can tell you people out there, I felt like screaming my lungs out and running out of the house. still, I did not. I wanted to rest well for the surgery. I want to recover. I know I have to face it sooner or later, might as well be straight after the surgery then anytime else. at least the pain form the surgery can mask my emotional pain.

I just had a bowl of fish porridge and that is about all the food I am getting today till this evening after the surgery. Seriously, I did not feel hungry at all. I had to force the porridge down. I am so glad my next meal is in the evening. Or maybe tomorrow. but nevertheless I know I have to eat and be strong.

I still do have hope glowing in the far far distance, beckoning to me to come relight it more. Maybe that is why I am feeling all this restlessness inside. In this case, hope is not that ideal. it could jolly kill me if things don’t ideal my ideals. not letting the bon fire of hope go out of control is energy sapping. alongside all the emotions I feel inside. but what to do? the stubborn soul wants to persevere though the mind says stop. the stubborn soul always wins. even if it was in a burning building, it would not falter. even if everyone is saying, get out!! it would just stay and wait.

sometimes I wonder, is that being stoopid or what?

frankly, soo ee, who cares what you think?

Fire in the house

I am stubborn and not one to listen gullibly but if someone said, hey the building you are in is burning down! Get out now!!! Am I suppose to just say, nah no worries it is just going to burn for a while and then all will be well again or just get the hell out of there?

Decisions, decisions, decisions …

This is what happens when my mind is free

Chardonnay before bed makes for a good night cap. It helps me to sleep, in a way. which is good. and wine is much more healthier than hard liquor or beer.

I spent the morning today at home lying on my bed stoning away. The sun was out and it was a free morning. Free as in I don’t have to be anywhere.I chose to stay in today. I listened to some itunes, sang some self-obsessed karaoke and finally decided to lie down on the bed because I was so not enjoying myself. While lying still, I could feel a whale of restlessness snowballing inside me. I tried all the MST skills I know to block it out but I could not do so. It was still lingering even after I tried my ultimate technique. These feelings of restlessness is getting on my nerves because I have no idea where they stream from and how to get rid of them. Humongously irritating.

Coming here to work did not make feel feel better. Every little thing sets me off. I feel angry inside. Restlessness and anger are good servant but bad masters. Angry at what? I am not too sure. I just feel it. I want to talk to someone, anyone but to say what? I am not even sure what I am feeling much less know what I want to say. The questions la. Alot of them. The same questions of what now, what is going on, what do you really want, what are we now, how am I going to remedy the sitution, what is going to happen after Friday? I want to scream like how I did the other two times in the car. Scream at the top of my lungs and curse and swear with all the colourful words I can think of. I should think I must really be angry. Vulgarities are not my style of venting but now, I feel like belting out some. From the common fuck word to the hokkien KNN. I want to scream at everyone to fucking leave me alone yet I want people around me because I am frightened. I want to run and run yet I do not have the fire inside me. I want to just leave and never come back but not when my whole existence is here. not to mention my parents and dogs. I want to drink but hate the hangover and the thought of the alcohol giving me cirrhosis is disgusting.

Going to go finish off the chardonnay and turn in. The body’s fatigue but the mind is wandering. Not good especially at 0043.

This is my life now

This is why I do not go to bed before 12 midnight. I tend to wake up before 5am. ARGH. Now at 0357 I am awake. the dream I had was rather vivid. Problem is, I cannot remember what it is about. I hate dreams like that. They are bound for reality and I have no idea what it contains and the worst is, my heart feels heavy when I woke up. *sigh* must be attributed to the emotions tsunami I have been surfing these days. The emotions cocktail I have been having these days are seriously driving me round the bend. up and down. down and up. like on a roller coaster ride and frankly, going round and round is nauseating and tiring. I want to get everything over and done with.

So eager for whatever’s coming yea, you masochist.

kick the dustbin. I think I better try to find sleep wherever, wherever it is. I need to work.

Yawn

So tired and I am not even halfway anywhere. deciding. undeciding. deciding. spending time alone did not help one bit. my thoughts just went back to square one. I have questions. I seek answers. and now I am tired. and I did not even work up any sweat today. Where is the morphine when you need it?

I am going to bed. Hopefully I can wake up and have new ideas in my head.

So it begins

Watching LOTR on Tv while drinking Chardonnay and eating Doritos is … idiotic. Yet I am doing it. That makes me an idiot. Looking for my muse in the most unusual way makes for a good vent writing. No, not going to write that my life is in a mess. My life is not in a mess. A messed up life is when I don’t know why am I doing here what do I want to do here and I have nothing. My life is just complicated and makes for a good indie movie. Or just plain mediacorp crap. I know what I am doing eventhough it hurts and the ego says please don’t. I know why I am here. I want to see the light. wherever the hell that is. And I have EEOOS Taekwondo, memories of you and me, two dogs who still smell eventhough they bathed today, the family who loves me in their way, the little dragon who roars with me, emo love and a better soul.

Aragon and Arwen. It has been a long time since I felt this way. I was given a second chance and I blew it. How very clever.

*sigh* back to the google box and the pen. everyone’s dying on TV in the battle of the two towers. I need to write everything down before it eats me alive.

Who was talking to me ?

I heard a loud voice telling me last night to get them out. get yourself out. the rest are just monkeys playing tricks with me. do not stand in the path of anyone. do not listen to anyone but your soul. do not let things get in my way to better days. do not hold back. do not look back. have faith that things will get better. do not forget that things happen for a reason. make sure things work out.

So what is the deal here? I am not sure was I awake but I am sure I heard it loud and clear.

Today

I went to the Titans for training. Kick ass. there is nothing but lactic acid and muscles in me now. I will feel it tomorrow and I know I will love the aches. tomorrow will be a good day.

Nothing much today. We did most of the work by 2pm and then we were asked to go for a long tea break and be back by 4pm. I spent the whole time in the computer lab putting my thoughts down to the screen. and there was where I met her. Sitting right there when I got up from my seat. I am sure she saw me. I was in view’s eye the moment anyone entered the lab. I snorted and left.

In between working, we had time so I read and slept. So GD tired. Late nights are bad. I have to start fishing in the ZZZs. I actually slept on the table for a good one hour. everyone thought I was sick.

The date of surgery has been set. Hope I can at least see the kids before they go off for the holidays. I still owe them a class party. A big class party. I would hate Miss Lim if I dont get my promised class party for working my ass off when I could use the time to gain maple levels.

By next week, I would have gotten most things settled. Class is settled. Training is settled. I don’t have to worry about the dogs. work will be settled with a doctor’s letter. Being alone in the hospital most of the time I am sure I will have plenty of time to have thoughts run through my head and they will be written down or crafted in stone in cyberspace. Not at all nervous about the surgery..no .. not worried.. so excited .. YA RIGHT!!!!… I am a nervous wreck ya. Though it is nothing more than a concern, the thought of everything surgical is scary. under the bright lights. the cold table. the GA standing over you saying I want you to count back from 5 and then halfway through everything blanks. and then you wake up thirsty and drowsy and wanting someone to lie beside you hold you and tell you everything is fine. then you endure the pain because morphine is bad. then every movement hurts. Ya I am not ashamed to say I am a chicken. pok pok pok.

I guess I just have to have faith. thinking positively, I get a month’s medical leave, a scar and time to heal my soul. Think positive. think positive. think positive. think positive. think por-see-teef.

Magic

I saw Melissa today. Of all days, it has to be the day when I was in the foulest mood, with my bad mood reaching nine on the Richter scale. There was a storm brewing inside me. But all I did was ignore, snort and walked away.

All I did was picture you smiling to me and puff goes all the bad things. A smile. just a simple gesture yet huge, was all it took. I am such a simple person ain’t I? I just never told you the effect you have always had on me. the call to me sent the storm packing its bag and heading back south. I wished I did tell you more often the magic hold you have on me.

alright, cut it off with the emoing. going to pack the room now.

I believe I cannot fly

I believe that as long as I believe I can do it. I believe that love does exist in this world. I believe that drinking is bad.I believe that someday I will find back the warmth that used to reside in me. I believe that my parents love me more. I believe Gromit loves me the most in the absence of you. I believe that Meekey is fickle and his obedience to me is subjective. I believe that waking up early is good. I believe that consuming collagen is good. I believe that marriage is a union between two people who love each other and knows why they do. I believe that we should marry because of love and no other reason else. I believe that everyone around me loves me eventhough they express it differently. I believe I will be a better person in the days to come and for as long as I live. I believe that being contented is a virtue. I believe that there will always be a soft spot in my heart for that one special person in my life. I believe that I am physically stronger than most people my weight and size. I believe in everything you say. I believe that I still have a whole truckload of things to learn about life. I believe in God. I believe that everything that happens, happens for a reason. I believe that I am right here right now because I have a mission of learning to accomplish on earth. I believe angels do exist here on earth in the form of humans. I believe that simple things like a home made cupcake can make my day. I believe that eventhough I am still journeying to where I should be, I am glad that I am making that journey sooner than later. I believe that plain water is the best drink. I believe that youtube and google are the best ever invented. I believe that I will be fine one day. I believe that being in the sun is the best. I believe that exercise is useful to keep my sanity. I believe that I have only myself to get out of this rut. I believe that everyone knows who I am. I believe that people accepts me for who I am. I believe that everyone is rooting for me. I believe that there is a reason why I am writing this now just that I have no idea why at the moment.