Sundays are always the best day. For various reasons.
This morning’s judo session left me seeing stars. Nevertheless I randoried till my arms felt like they did not belong to me and nevertheless I felt really OMG shiok to the max. The lactic acid feel makes me higher than any substance could possibly make one person. lol. Though I was a little distracted by the thoughts boiling inside me, not to mention having to deal with people who seriously need to grow up, I managed to think of a few techniques I would like to use for this weekend. Now, it is time to do some serious MST.
After judo we were suppose to go watch Alice and Clare fight zombies on the big screen but because my tuition got changed to today, I had to go off for a 4pm. We only went to have escargot at Liang Court. ho ho ho. We had 4 trays of escargot, 3 pizzas, 5 garlic foccacia. Love the food there. I don’t really care if the escargots are packed with cholesterol or that the pizza is just simple. I really love eating them. Yumz to the max. Would really love to stay and nua the sunday with chit chattings. Love the company. That’s Samuel, Mich, HH, ZH, Joseph and me. Talking about food, I had Carl’s JR again yesterday afternoon and chill crabs in the evening. lol. And I was asked the question, you eat carl’s jr but you don’t eat rice? hahahahahaha .. Carl’s jr rank top in my lost of sinful cholesterol high food which I don’t mind at all to eat and the chill crabs was absolutely bud tantalising. One medium sized one for the 6 of us – SJ, BC, HH, Mich, Joseph and me, plus the golden buns just makes me feel like the sin committed was so worth it lol
Then came evening. I went jogging at Botanic Gardens with C. We jogged for about 25 minutes in all. I rather enjoy the process of it. For one, after judo, I could not feel my arms and I thought I was so going to murder my legs as well by agreeing to jog with her but it went fine. I think. hahaha I was running with an ex runner and basketball player ya. It is amazing I could even keep pace, remembering the last time I ran was like God knows when. Lucky for me, she went slow and steady so that I could keep up. We got a little lost the way back. It was a good blessing in disguise because we talked like a lot on the way back to the carpark. It was nothing short of enjoyable. And oh ya, I had a koi bought specially for me. With everything in it – aloe vera, jelly, pearls and grass jelly. I didn’t know you can add so much, and I didn’t there was aloe vera too. And I love the thought that counted. Very much.
Off topic a little, I am going to train at NTU judo and the judo nationals is coming. This sunday! I am so damn excited. Though I know I probably will get my ass kicked, I can’t wait to fight the people at nationals. I dream of standing there in the arena once again almost every night. It made me realise how much trust I have been given to take care of myself and I like that.
I will show you I can take care of myself so that you had trust me taking care of you mah.
Oh her eyes, her eyes
Make the stars look like they’re not shining
Her hair, her hair
Falls perfectly without her trying
She’s so beautiful
And I tell her every day
Yeah I know, I know
When I compliment her
She wont believe me
And its so, its so
Sad to think she don’t see what I see
But every time she asks me do I look okay
I say
When I see your face
There’s not a thing that I would change
Cause you’re amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile,
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
Cause girl you’re amazing
Just the way you are
Her lips, her lips
I could kiss them all day if she’d let me
Her laugh, her laugh
She hates but I think its so sexy
She’s so beautiful
And I tell her every day
Oh you know, you know, you know
Id never ask you to change
If perfect is what you’re searching for
Then just stay the same
So don’t even bother asking
If you look okay
You know I say
I will say how everything seems oh so light headed whenever I am with you, how simple things feel so special when they are from you, how the way I long to just hold you so close to me makes me so happy, how you hold my hands and tell me how you like doing so brings me closer to you, how we can sit together seperated by things but yet not be seperated, how the first person I think about in the morning is you, how I am willing to give you all the patience I have in me just to stand with you, how I am willing to dance my world around yours in explosions of fireworks, how I think of ways to make you smile because that smile is absolutely beautiful, how I want to hear your voice before I sleep every night, how I would sit through anything and everything with you just because it is with you, how every sonnet, every poem, every song is you, how I want to be the one you call whenever you need someone, how I want to comfort you and tell you everything is going to be fine on a bad day. . . . .
It could well be a dream. I mean, I really thought it was a really nice dream I was having and that any moment now I could well wake up and lament how dreams are always so sweet and nice. At that moment, I tried to hold my breathe to see whether I would choke and wake up or just still be there with you.
I was there with you even when I opened my eyes.
Now all I can do it to miss you till the next time I see you again.
I wonder, who’s going to save you, when the stars fall from your sky, and who’s going to pull you in when the tide gets too high and who’s going to hold you when you turn out the lights. Frankly, I won’t lie. I will shout out loud that I wish that I could be your superman tonight
The past week has been spent moving around in cars going up , down , all around. Surprisingly I have never been this happy for a long time now, eventhough the whole holiday I had to wake up early, get driven around (something which I find it hard to enjoy), having food at NTU like a student, waiting for things to be done and just sitting there with you, talking to you, trying to make out what your world is made up of, is enough to make me happy. The more I know, the more I want to get to know and the more I find myself wanting to be everywhere and anywhere with you. My friend asked me, why do you want to be in a relationship so fast after you have just gotten out of one? Ain’t you enjoying singlehood? Frankly, I do enjoy singlehood, the freedom to do what I want, when I want, however I want, go where I want and not have to answer to anyone about anything at all. It has been a long time since I had that kind of freedom. I can’t even remember when was the last time I had that. Now that I am more confident of myself, seen more things, am a better person thanks to the two years of training and my increasing spending power, I rather enjoy being a swinging single.
So, having said that, I asked myself, then why do I want to commit into another relationship so soon? The excerpt from twilight explains it all.
My friend is right when she reminded me, what’s yours, will be yours. What isn’t will not be, even if you force it, it won’t last. So ya, do what I can for what I want and the rest will fall into place. I took the leap of faith. Now I shall take the path of faith.
I had my first rooftop ben and jerry session yesterday. I should have brought my handphone along when Sarah called me. Instead I left it at home to charge. It is breathe taking up there on the rooftop. The midnight wind in my hair and the silence of the night. If I had a guitar then, I would play G and R’s patience. lol. We didn’t dare light any candle because that would attract attention to us. I did not think we were allowed up there this late. Instead we groped in the dark trying to taste the ice cream and mix the drinks. There was my all time fav strawberry cheese cake, vanilla and Choc Chip Cookie dough. They were mixing the drinks into the ice cream like it was rum float. Rum tasted best with the ice cream. The whisky , as always, tasted like rat poison even with vanilla (yikes) and the cordon is just wasted with any ice cream. There were coincidentally three of everything there lol three people, three tubs of b n j, three bots of alcohol. lol threesome!!
I have not seen Ashley for about two weeks now and it was good seeing her again. We three spun stories and talked about a lot of things and the two of them came to the conclusion that probably I am not ready to settle down as I thought I was, because I told them the things I saw my friends do for their other halves, things which I never thought of doing and sometimes have to be told to do because I have no idea to do that. They thought I would do better with more dating experiences. I reckon I will. I want the next to be much much much better than the last.
The alcohol outlasted us. There was still half a bottle of rum and three quads of whisky left but we were already laughing like mad people. I couldn’t remember what happened to the ice cream but I remember the three of us on my bed staring at the celling fan and the two of them smoking on my bed in my room. I remember the phone ringing and Sarah asking me if I wanted to pick it up and I said no don’t know who is it and I remember the sms came in and I replied with my head heavily stuck to the bed while trying to quiet the two of them down because I didn’t want them to disturb my parents. Everything that happened after that was a blur till I woke up in the morning on the floor with a bad hangover.
The whole time, my thoughts of you were grappling with my rational thoughts.
Though it hurts, like fire searing through my entire body, to be so close to you, I had rather be there with you through all your happy and sad times than to just be standing here.
“It’s not like love at first sight, really. It’s more like… gravity moves…. suddenly. It’s not the earth holding you here anymore, she does…. You become whatever she needs you to be, whether that’s a protector, or a lover, or a friend.” ―Jacob Black to Bella Swan on imprinting
I can’t tell you what it really is, I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now it’s a steel knife in my windpipe
I can’t breathe but I still fight while I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right it’s like I’m in flight
High off her love, drunk from my hate, it’s like I’m huffin’ pain
And I love it the more I suffer, I suffocate
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn
But that’s alright because I like the way it hurts
The most part of my life, I have spent fighting battles and people. Fighting the inner demon, fighting people in the arena, fighting my own fears, fighting everything that got into my way. everything.
this battle this time, the longing is tearing me apart from all avenues. Dividing my soul. distracting me from everything around me. the worst thing is, this seems like a losing battle, one that no matter how hard I try to fight back, hit back, I realise the only person I am beating up seems to be me. I am bruised and bleeding. Maybe I should just not be stubborn and listen. Just stop the fighting. When I ask myself, so how, something inside me says that it is not me to give up, this is not you to not fight back even when you got kicked in the face, got thrown left right centre. you always want to prove that you can be the last man standing. You always want to be the last man standing. So where is that notion now?
I do realise I am always giving myself false hopes that things will turn out fine, that things will work itself out right, to walk that path of faith, to take that leap of faith, talking myself into situations that I could have avoided, as seen clearly with the past two relationships I have had. I could have avoided being left standing on my own at the end of the day, with a little more dignity if I had listen to my own voice and walk when I had the chance to walk away in dignity. Inside, I chose to stay because I believe I am the one who can make everything right. In the end, the only voice I hear in the silence of the night is the sound of my soul crying.
To do means to die trying. to me, there is no in between.
In the end if I don’t die, I had be hanging upside down from a tree, bleeding from all orifices and losing blood by the pound. That had be one cruel and nasty ending.
Like what Shaun once told me, at the end of the day, we will know who the real fools are.
Instead I said, “nah it’s no trouble. I have nowhere to go anyway.”
Happy teacher’s day to all the educators out there. Remember, you don’t have to be an educator in order to be wished this on this day today. You just have to have the heart to do what your calling tells you to.
Wednesday, Mich, HH, Sje, Jo, Nic and Val took a trip to the beach with the dogs Casper, Meekey and Gromit in tow. Val brought her Snaz Smoky along for the trip. The weather was extremely hot. I had thought it would rain because when we departed from woodlands this afternoon I saw dark clouds but like what Sje always say, the weather in sentosa is always so different from the rest of singapore and today I had have to agree with her on this. Thank goodness for the good weather, for I have had a really nice tan lol The dogs suffered a little though because the weather made them really grouchy and listless. For one, they swam and played lesser than what they did the other time. Meekey was unusually unfriendly. Gromit was frothing. For us, it was quite ok. I remember the really nice wipeout and the orange juices. Val ordered Ginger ale and fries. So much food. I realised having pizza on the beach rocks socks. Val and I took Smoky for a swim and though she was waddling in the water breathless, I knew Smoky and I bonded right there in the water hahahaha
Thursday, LHH decided to go across the causeway to pump petrol so off we went, with joseph and Nicholas being the guide. Imagine going into JB at 10 plus night and gorging on food at 11 plus lol. We ordered quite a lot of food all chosen by nic and boy did they eat. The sting ray was nice. They had that malay seed thing on it and the fabulous sambal chilli made it all good.
Friday, I went out first thing in the morning to tpy to have brekkie with Sarah. Though we had A and W till we concussed the night before, we still managed to get up and go get food. After our brekkie, I went to grab a koi for you know who is a koi noob and ya kun toasts as well. I figured there wouldn’t be enough time for lunch eventhough you said we could have lunch if time permits. I was right lol We had a good time cruising in my yellow cab and I almost wanted to not go to school. Thank god I prayed before I got into the car. Finding and going places to and fro sin ming to tpy was smooth sailing and in time for everything. Oh yeah. It could have been the best day I have had in a while if not for the shit that happened in the afternoon with she whose name will not be mentioned and at night.
Saturday night was spent eating buffalo wings yet again. lol. This time we had 8 of us sitting at the the table at Jerry’s ready to get our taste buds reawakened but we were seriously disappointed. The buffalo wings at Jerry’s sucked bit time. The chef’s challenge was just wings with a lot of chili sauce. We contemplated going over to Sunset grill to get our fix because we were all sore about the food there. But we did not la because we figured we still had to Q and we were quite full from the food. So we went over to have tang yuan. The food downhill just never go away. The tang yuans were uncooked, cold and frozen still inside. The day was bad enough having all that crap lay its foundation on me and I have to end the day with crappy tang yuan. Sigh.
That was all before the shit hit the fan and the fan fell on me.
This is monster speaking 