Of man and mice

How can you profess to love somebody when you want to change that body into some one else?

The horror relationship stories I have been hearing of late really scares me. Like for example, one that I have heard from my friend about his sister. His sister, like him, a PRC, got to know an indian guy, from the other very large state and they eventually got together as a couple. and my friend, said that his sister actually forbids her bf to eat curry now because she said it gave him that ‘indian’ smell! Ya I know, wtf right. To tell someone you cannot eat this or that because it does not do you good e.g. the skin of pigs, processed food, maggie noodles is one thing. But to tell someone he cannot eat something that he has been eating since he was a toddler because he will smell is ridiculous. It is like saying chinese people should not be eating pork cos’ they smell like pigs.

And this was not the only one I heard this week.

Anyway, point is, it is not love as many out there would like to think or even momentarily sweet when you forbid it just cos’ YOU don’t like it? and he laps it up earnestly. No self respecting guy would do that. Unless it is for, say, Jessica Alba.

Get a life or better, a pet dog. Dogs do well at sit, roll and feed routines. The only thing dogs won’t do is eat their own shit on command.

WTF

I had an innocent afternoon nap and a bad dream came to harass me. I dreamt you were with someone and I was talking to you while I was helping you keep some wirings from your huge MPV. I did not get to see who that person was. When I finished, I left after you said thank you and I mumbled something incoherent and you said oh ok. And I saw me walking into the sunset feeling like shit. Like some drama cowboy goodbye scene.

And then I woke up in tears.

God damn it. It was suppose to be innocent dream. Not one I wake up not knowing whether to tear cos’ I am feeling so god damn sad or laugh cos’ of the drama mama cowboy shit.

Seriously I swear I am going over the edge pretteeee soon now.

Roar as I roll

So it is true, that when you lose a love, your career will blossom and money will roll in. Seems the case for me right now. Rolling in from every avenue. How great, or not great is that. I do not know. All I know is, it probably is a good distractor for now. Though I had rather not hug cash, LVs, expensive atas dining or whatever monetary related shit will get me, I need to make good use of the restlessness and deep seething nondescript feeling from within.

I hope tomorrow when I wake up, the lactic acid build up will run all the way from my head to my heart.

I need to keep myself centered.
I am about falling off the edge
I swear I hear a faint sound
Something ticking
Something from within.

4am

I am awake. at 0400 in the morning. Actually I was already awake about half an hour ago. It actually took me 30 minutes to get to the computer and switch it on. I reckon if I could not sleep, might as well get the thoughts out of the head instead of letting it swirl around like marshmallows in chocolate. Marshmallows melt in the chocolate swirl after a while.

I slept with a not so calming thought. Ya, one of those dark thoughts of dying again. And as usual I prayed and soon found myself in lala land. And then I got awaken by Gromit scurrying out of her bed don’t know for what reason. When I gained consciousness, I immediately felt the pressure around my chest. the thoughts from before I slept took me for one moment. I sloshed it. damn it for being such a light sleeper. I know I need to sleep. I can feel it.

I made a phone call. Being awake at that witching hour just made me want to talk to someone. The moment I heard the tone, the rational soul came back just in time and I disengaged the call before the ringing started. Smack myself on the wrist. I should know better than to make this kind of call. I could well be not welcomed. I could be told a million things or worst hear a million more. as I laid and calmed myself down, I realised there was no one else. There are people who would talk to me at this hour but none that I felt like calling upon. Such was my dependency on other people. Little or none.

I am just going to sit here with my cuppa hot milo and wait for sleep to take me again.

但求你未淡忘　往日舊情　我願默然帶著淚流　很想一生跟你走
就算天邊海角　多少改變　一生只有　風中追究　不想孤單的逗留
但求你未淡忘　往日舊情　我願默然帶著淚流　很想一生跟你走
在我心中的你　思海的你　今生不可不能沒有

Stupid inu. Stupid stupid inu.

The love pretenders

Every time you pretend to love, you impoverish yourself more and more. Love has great potential to enrich your life. But if you are just playing a role, pretending to love, it’s only going to poison you. Because you are teaching yourself that it’s just a game, and slowly but surely you will lose the capacity to open in love.

So true. I have been hearing alot of late of people who play love like a game. Frankly, I am saddened by what I hear. Love should be treated sacred. One hurt will lead to another and it will never stop. Instead of growing up and learning what went wrong or accepting the fact, they declare war on love and go on to hurt others.

Stubbornly and naively believing this am I.

Yes I guess I want to believe.

My three things for a rainy Friday

1. KL gave me a set of black training pants he bought from KL. It is really nice and cool lookin’ ya. Like those Kung Fu master pants. It came just in time because I was scouting around for a set of cheap track pants to use for training. He is always so nice. Thank you!
2. I can actually eat solid food. Not full meals yet but better than what I have been hearing people say they ate the days after their wisdom tooth surgeries.
3. I ate mum’s 肉骨茶 this morning with bread. Spicy and nice. Something with the bread, other than milo and soya bean, is a luxury to me.

I’ll add a four: The top skin of my little toe peeled out from abrasion. Not painful at all. I should be grateful. I was thinking oh no oh no oh no! before I cleaned it up just now.

For all these, I shall let what happened with the PMSers today go. Tomorrow, I will shove your attitudes up your asses.

why we want what we want

I read Marcus Aurelius today. He said, “Begin each day by telling yourself: Today, I shall be meeting with interference, ingratitude, insolence, disloyalty, ill-will and selfishness- all of them due to the offenders’ ignorance of what is good or evil.”

It is saying, those people who do those mentioned are just ignorant toot toot tootkers so just ignore them and you shall be happy.

Marcus Aurelius was the emperor of Rome and an influential philosopher in his time and beyond. His techniques of meditation and mastery of emotions and tranquility are admired in many ages. Yet, even he, the most powerful man and one who had devoted his life to the mastery of his emotions, had to remind himself daily not to let other people wind him up.

This is for you out there who have people at work or school who are asses. Let them eat themselves.

Smile. Someone could be falling in love with your smile. I know I have.

November rain

Cause’ nothing lasts forever
Even cold November rain

FOL

I am that person who does not know how to say thank you, sorry and please. Well done to me. I shall now give myself a pat on the back and say, HEY GREAT WORK THERE! ~~ FKING (&EJ*(&J^X@EH8^*&^&^&*%^$%$W$#S%FXR(**(&*… … … sigh …. ..

The side of my face is swollen like I got a fishball hidden there.

I was just told eating 200 panadols won’t kill you. It will just damage your liver.

I have worked every single muscle in me yet I still feel the sting.

Just .. great ….

Probably I was dreaming those times when I did say please and thank you.

P.S. I hate Taiwanese dramas.

My wisdom has been removed

There goes my wisdom

I finally got around to removing the tooth that was bothering me for some time now. Not seriously bothering as in causing me pain and agonies but bothering as in food always gets stuck there and it worries me especially when I think about how food can very well decay in that bacteria filled mouth. I know how they break down the sugar and cause bad breathe and then how the acid they secrete digest the food, dissolves the enamel as well and that causes cavities blah blah blah. I learnt that from teaching health education. They even have clips online to show you how it is done by the little critters. Now that the tooth is history, I feel a sense of relieve coupled with other sensations.

When I arrived at the clinic this morning (Allsmiles, Blk 502, Jurong West Ave 1) to tell the truth I was a little unnerved. HS said he wanted to accompany me there but I said no need la. So old already still need people to go with me to the dentist so pai seh ya. hahaha nope not regretting not asking him to accompany me. Even with him there I would still feel nervous. I have heard so many horror stories of swollen mouth, breaking tooth into pieces before extracting them out, numbed tongue and the dentist himself telling me that in his 11 years of practice he has only come across this kind of upper wisdom tooth surgery about 9 times. Well that was reassuring. One thing I have learnt: don’t listen to people talk about their horror stories. most times you will only end up worrying more. Better to just listen to that inner voice. I was glad I listened to me and went ahead with it 2 weeks ago. The few times being stubborn is good. When the dentist said he would be glad to do it for me because he is excited about doing such a challenging extraction. I took it as he is good at what he does. I am glad I am right.

So in I went, and out the tooth came. He assured me it would not be painful. Of cos’ I did not believe him ya. But I just let him do his job. I would hate it if a layman came up to me and tells me how to teach my kids.

First was the anesthesia and the very long needle he used to jab me with. The first needle he used got bended. The result of a good diet of calcium, I got teeth so strong it bends the needles of syringes. I was thinking, shucks, great oh teeth of mine. Now Dr. is so going to use a LARGER needle. well done.

But he did not and I was extremely relieved. Then after the jabbing here and there, he let me rest to let the area get numbed. Then he took out tools and covered my eyes with a mouth mask. His reasoning was that water will get into my eyes. I think he wanted to side blind me like horses so that I won’t panic when I see the tools go marching in. I felt a lot of pushing most of the times and some drilling. I was expecting a sudden pull or jerk to extract or some sharp object would be used to slice my gum into two to extract or something but he didn’t. I heard him tell the trainee that what he did was only to push and twirl the tooth around to loosen it from the joint to prevent the roots from breaking and when it was finally out of the socket he just tugged it out. He assured me that all I felt should only be alot of pushing and no pain. He was right. And before I knew it, he took off the mask and showed me my tooth. With flesh attached. Mich said it looked like a strawberry. hahahaha.. bloody strawberry.. then the doctor asked me if I wanted to keep the tooth and he taught me how to do so. He even recommended I wear it around me neck. Like a shark tooth! This is dragon tooth so don’t play play. So now it is soaking in chlorohexidine solution, waiting to be worn. I shall find name this my heirloom, the dragon tooth *LMAO*

HS was so nice. He said to call him if I couldn’t drive so he would come with his father to pick me up. His dad will drive my monster while he drove his own car. So nice right? Thank you ya!! Hank called me too but I couldn’t talk to him cos of the bandage in mouth. He asked me to press once for yes and twice for no. Hahahaha. We were like morse coding. In the end, I pressed alot of buttons together cos’ I was getting frustrated and it confused him. Who asked you to ask so many questions and not want to sms instead. Anyway, thanks for offering to get me walnuts to bite on the surgery side ya, for rehab ya. I’ll whack the walnuts on your head then you know. Grrrr..

So after I came back home I was thinking maybe shouldn’t take the medication when I go tuition, in case I get high there, and since I have endured the skin inking, this shouldn’t hurt too much. I was sooooooooo fking wrong. It hurt like one fck of a kind. The moment I sat down I regretted. And I had to endure 1.5hours of tuition. I had wanted to read with him but I just couldn’t. The boy wanted me to read a passage for him cos’ he didn’t understand the passage, in the last 30 minutes and I was really slurring. The pain at that point was omg painful. I could feel the stitch stretching when I opened my mouths for the words to come out. I almost had to run out of the house after tuition.

After I popped the pill, 30 minutes later, relieve came and I was feeling oh so good. The medication is suppose to give me 24 hours of relieve. So hopefully when I open my eyes tomorrow I’ll be able to stomach the brekkie I am so looking forward to – Sobe Soya bean with french loaf. Yeaaaaaa eeeeee.. oh talking about french loaves, the delifrance outlet in the NTUC closed shop. So sad right I know. No more cheaper than outside Delifrance oh so nice bread anymore. Oh well..

So now, I am being good staying home to recuperate, with the left side of my face swollen like someone took a swing at me. Really like a balloon.

I wished I was somewhere else besides here but then again, where?