Freaking fish

One two three four five
Once I caught a fish alive
Six seven eight night ten
then I let it go again
why did you let it go
because it f**king bit my finger yo

breathe.relax.chill.

There is always a way. When things look like there’s no way, there is a way. To do the impossible, to survive the unsurvivable. There’s always a way. we must be inspired by the face of the impossible. today, if you become frightened, instead, become inspired.

Let us now put our hands together and roar.

ROOOOOOAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!

My friend and I

She says she is missing someone, wants someone special on a cold day, but I know it ain’t me.

But how do you know for sure?

I just… know…

ok…

I no longer have anything to look forward to after a day. no longer have her around with me. there is no one to listen when I speak. no one to watch TV with. no one to laugh and cry with. no one to hold me when I am not feeling alright. I hate my life. Why does it have to be so painful?

All I could do as he was talking to me, was to listen. because I really don’t know the answers to the questions he was asking me. and as he continued on, as I sat and listen to him, I heard my heart crying for you. It heard the sounds of another heart crying and the cries awoken it.

Hot day

finally decide to bring the car for servicing. well, it did cause me quite a bit but the car feels different. every movement and touch feels good and new. money worth spending. now when I brake, there is no weird screeching sound. The screech was caused by worn out brake pads.

brought the dogs to the beach today. we were all sitting at home with me staring at the bright blue sky and I suddenly thought, why not? the sky is totally blue. the beach will be great. I owe them an outing. and it was just me and the poochies on a beach adventure. it turns out, the beach wasn’t that great. it was too hot. we walked a little but the sand burnt my feet and the sun made them pant like mad. the heat made meekey grouchy and irritable. he refused to get into the water and kept digging in the sand. the heat made gromit a little disoriented. she would be following us one second and walking the other direction in the other. I was afraid she might be getting a stroke. but she did not. she stuck pretty close to meekey and I through out the time there. we headed back home after only an hour. I got a little Vitamin D in me and the dogs, well, they slept the whole day when we got back.

saw this so I did it. here it goes.

Where are you now?
At home trying to work the doritos and coke. feel like vomiting. pondering about the situation.

What are you doing now?
Watching “seven pounds” while lying down on the bed, in between checking Twitter. did not know New moon is out already.

How are you feeling now?
heavy hearted. feeling irritated with myself. exhausted.

Any program later?
eat. doze off. wake up at wee hours. tweet. watch movie. sleep again.

What are you thinking now?
headache prevents thoughts from forming.

Are you enjoying your singlehood?
well, when you are thrown in a situation you just got to adapt. so, yes I am trying to enjoy, putting on smiles, going out even when I feel like crawling into the blanket, talking to people.

Seeing anybody?
No. I have lost all faith and trust.

Who is the last person you have talked to?
Gromit (pathetic)

Who did you last texted?
Sjeting

What were you doing before this entry?
Shaker fries moment at Civic with the little one. I shook she ate.

What’s your current state of mind?
not too sure.

Missed anybody?
my own body.

Angry with anybody?
yes.

Hate anybody?
nope. hate is too strong a word to use. even the WLM woman does not deserve my hate.

Anything you wanna do now?
run. judo. swim. frolick. smell. bake cake.

Where would you want to go?
anywhere, as long as I am out of this room. how I wished I had a pegasus.

Have no fear by Birdyork

Before dawn came

the ikan billi bit that got lodged in my gum got disengaged and out flew blood. it got there because I was greedy and took a really big mouthful of the ikan billis and peanuts just a few hours before, in the afternoon. one of the ikans stabbed me in the gum and broke off, leaving that small bit there to remind me of my greediness. Yes, I could really feel blood flowing out from the hole it created in my gum when it got disengaged. ouch! blood flowed for a good one minute, no less.

watching judo is not as fun as it is actually doing it. but I stayed the whole session. I miss throwing and being thrown, seriously. sensei got me to coach two newbies because he was conducting the main class. ya, me without my uniform telling them what to do. the two guys must be thinking who the hell is this clown to be teaching us how to do breakfall. not many people came for class today and got no randori. no wonder sensei misses me. the student who likes being thrown around.

met them at starbucks, yv, little one and Isaac. hungry so I gobbled up an apple crumble cheesecake and a quiche. distasteful. this will be the last time I am eating any cake stuffs at Starbucks. I shall stick to just the muffins. I really am so starved of cakes and muffins I am resorting to buying them. ok, snap out of it. though I was feeling not too good, being surrounded made me feel better than being alone with my thoughts. I still can’t get that sentence out of my head. and it is hurting me. Isaac wanted Mac shaker fries so we moved downstairs. he ended up buying the spicy chicken and shaker fries meal. growing boy. shaker fries MSG laden. distasteful.

after dropping them off at yv’s, took a slow walk back from the carpark and settled down to watch channelnewsasia before turning in. then I got awaken at 3am. and was not able to go back to sleep. dang. the gastric started to act up and surely it did. NO MORE FOOD BEFORE BEDTIME. had no medication, no milk only soya bean (and that wont help). tossed and turned for an hour then decided to get up. to hell with whatever. the emotions are driving me nuts. I need a distraction. fortunately, the three of them were still awake and the little one was hungry via twitter so we went out again for brekkie. yv took xmas baby with us. so obedient ya. unlike mine. however, it seems, no one opens at 530am so we settled for Mac at king albert’s.had not much of an appetite. ate like a quarter of my big breakfast. didn’t like the egg and the patty. no appetite. waste money. should have just got a fillet o fish. at least the bun is scrumptious. and I like buns.

now back, I tried sleeping. too much on my mind. in my soul. after tossing around, I decided to just heck it and get up. I will deal with sleep later on my own time.

Mrs Joseph’s philosophy

I remember my tuition teacher told me once, many moons ago, something which I held on dearly whenever I have to deal with difficult times in my life. At that time, it was my Elementary mathematics. I suck at it , big time. I have never gotten good grades for maths as far as I can remember (from P3 onwards). no good grades means either failing badly or failing. Till that year when I had to take my Os and I was still damn failing it. Tried as I might, I kept failing to make the grade and I was really at my wit’s end. I did not want to have to fail and repeat my maths. For one, my parents would murder me. The stress was like humongous. but at that time, I was beginning to slowly resign myself to that dreadful fate. That was until that day when she pulled me aside, looked me in the eyes, her hands smelling of the Bryani rice she had for lunch and said, Soo Ee, there is only one way to pass maths and that is, you think of doing it and nothing else. that means, don’t pass means die. you are not going to repeat. Don’t even think about the option of repeating the maths paper because there will be none. there is only this and that is it. if you think there is no other option and this is the way it goes, you will be committed and you will go through fire and oil to make sure it happens. other than the fear and respect I had for her, I felt an enlightenment that day. So I cast the thought of repeating my maths out of the window because there is no option except to pass. I worked the 10 years series front to back back to front. and hey presto! I not only passed my maths, I got a grade I had never expect myself to. I got a B3. This may be a grade many can easily get with a flicker of an eye but to a person who has not seen a pass in a major exam before for maths, this is a milestone. this is my milestone.

That started alot of things. how I manage to go to school everyday facing people and system that fail in many ways, how I trudge though fire and training 4 times a day, how I dragged with all my strength the club that was on its way to doom, out of the mud and how I survived the heartaches and pain life has dealt me. just to quote a few examples of how I used that philosophy thrown to me that fateful day. because to me, other than the light at the end of the tunnel, there is no other option. there is no option of quitting my job even though the system fails, there is no option of giving up the club because I couldn’t handle it by myself then, no option of not training to be in the team because I wanted an easier life, no option of ending my life because I couldn’t stand the heart pain. No other option besides the option which I wanted.

And after all these, I am now a better person.

So, the morale of the story is, I quote, unless commitment is made, there is only promises and hope but no plan, unquote (Peter Drucker). We can all want things, hope for things and wish for things but unless we commit to what we want by not allowing any other just-in-case options, we will forever be limboing somewhere out there and not where we want to be at the end.

純真

I like feeling the sadness. It reminds me that my system is still alive to feel grief and that is good. and being sad, I have the right to not want to do anything, not want to talk to anyone and not want to feel.

and right now, I really would like to do just that.

Grief

Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone.
It isn’t just death we have to grieve. It’s life. It’s loss. It’s change.
And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime.
That’s how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can’t breathe, that’s how you survive.
By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won’t feel this way. It won’t hurt this much.
Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way.

So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty. the worst part of grief is that, you can’t control it. the best we can do is let ourselves feel it when it comes. and let it go when we can.

The very worst part is that the minute you think you’re past it, it starts all over again.
And always, every time, it takes your breath away.

Dream

The graceful dragonfly lives for just a few months. But a sequoia tree’s time on earth can last 2,000 years. In the same way, some bonds, some creations, some worlds, endure for a mere blink in eternity, while others are destined to outfox the ravages of time.

What will be the lifespan of the dream you recently hatched?